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Article Excerpt
Becoming a parent for the first time contributes to many changes in a couple's relationship. These changes may be both positive and negative and affect both partners in the relationship. In contrast to earlier studies focusing on the experience of becoming a first-time parent (Ahlborg, Dahlof, & Hallberg, 2005; Belsky & Rovine, 1990; Cowan & Cowan, 1999), this study explored changes in the relationship of parents with small children over time. Earlier research has shown that sexual intimacy is of great importance for a satisfying relationship (von Sydow, 1999). It has also shown that sexuality is one area where changes are evident after pregnancy and delivery (Olsson, Lundqvist, Faxelid, & Nissen, 2005). Since sexuality is important to a couple's relationship at first year after delivery, this study aims to examine parents' experience of sensual and sexual contentment when the first child is 4 years old. A central question is if the changes that occur after the birth of the first child remain 4 years later. Especially in Scandinavia, where more parents are cohabiting than being married, there is a lack of research concerning the development of the parents' relationship over a longer period of time and the experience of sensuality and sexuality in the role of a partner and parent.
A study that examined when parents resume sexual intercourse after delivery found that sexual satisfaction was low 1 month postpartum but gradually increased during the first year after delivery (Hyde, DeLamater, Plant, & Byrd, 1996). The study also showed that it is more common for mothers to experience diminished sexual desire than fathers. Another study of 820 respondents came to similar results about sexual desire and also found that the majority of parents had sexual intercourse once to twice a month when the baby was 6 months old (Ahlborg, Dahlof, & Hallberg, 2005).
When the frequency of sexual intercourse is low, the sensuality in the relationship might compensate for sexuality (Ahlborg & Strandmark, 2001). Sensuality is here defined as an exchange of tenderness among lovers like hugs, kisses, cuddling, and caressing, while sexuality includes this, but also touching the genitals and coitus (Ahlborg et al., 2005).
Sensuality is related to sexuality, and therefore they are often expressed together, meaning that couples who are sensual with each other also have sex more frequently (Ahlborg et al., 2005). Research has shown that good communication, including mutual confirmation, is of importance for sensual and sexual well-being (Ahlborg & Strandmark, 2001). A study found that both men and women experienced a decrease in closeness and sexuality when their baby was 1 year old (Wadsby & Sydsjo, 2001).
The new family member is a great source of happiness but can also contribute to various strains. The lack of sleep and less time for leisure activities are strains that mainly affect mothers (Olsson et al., 2005). Some mothers give priority to sleep and time for themselves instead of sexual activities with their partner (Olsson et al., 2005). Many parents also experience the baby as a focus of attention, which could strengthen or degrade the relationship (Ahlborg & Strandmark, 2001). In emotionally and sensually strengthened relationships, mothers and fathers confirmed one another well and equally shared the responsibility for the child and housework, while fathers in relationships that had deteriorated felt emotionally rejected when the mothers devoted most of their time to the baby (Ahlborg & Strandmark, 2001).
Belsky and Rovine (1990) found that the experience of becoming a parent differed between couples. Some experience diminishing feelings of love toward their partner, more conflicts, impaired communication, and less satisfaction with the relationship. Others experienced positive changes in the relationship during the transition to parenthood.
That men and women have different sexual desires is supported by research showing that men more often think about sex, have more sexual fantasies, and experience a greater sexual need (Peplau, 2003). This gender difference may depend on differing ways men and women respond to questions about sexuality. According to Helmius (in Lundberg, 2002), girls and boys relate to their sexuality differently when socializing: boys/men sexualize their emotions and girls/women emotionalize their sexuality. This is congruent with research showing a typical difference between men and women in their view of sensuality and sexuality (Kohler-Riessman, 1990). For women, intimacy precedes sexuality, while for men sexuality brings intimacy. This could mean that if the sexuality is not working, the loss will be greater for the man since he will lose both sexuality and sensuality. A gender difference of sexual desire and contentment was described among parents 6 months after delivery of first child (Ahlborg et al., 2005). Does the described gender difference regarding sexuality also exist over a longer time than 6 months after delivery among parents of small children? Or could it be that men also might experience less sexual desire when being fathers of small children?
The results of Judicibus and McCabe (2002) show that being satisfied with the relationship in general is related to being sexually satisfied. There is a relationship between the couple's sexuality and stability, so that, if both partners are sexually active during pregnancy and enjoy it, the relationship is evaluated as better in terms of tenderness and communication 4 months after delivery. Moreover, 3 years later, the relationship is more stable and less negatively affected by the birth in the view of both partners (yon Sydow, 1999). The author stated, however, that more research was needed in this field.
Intimate relationships can be characterized in terms of levels of maturity (White, Speisman, Jackson, Bartis, & Costos, 1986). Level one is a self-serving, egocentric form of relatedness, level two is tradition bound, conforming to social norms, whereas level three is a mature relationship, which includes an ability to integrate conflicting needs, cope with frustrations, and value the partner for his or her uniqueness. It could be discussed if a relationship of parents of small children is mature enough to cope with some frustrations.
Giddens (1992), who has described the development of intimacy in society to the present day, calls modern relationships based on equality between the sexes "open relationships." Open relationships are maintained only as long as mutual love feelings and respect exist. Both women and men are required to share their innermost feelings. As these open relationships can only be maintained as long as the partners feel respected and loved, however, this may imply that love and intimate relationships have nothing to do with marriage and children. It could be discussed if the relationship could be jeopardized when partners with small children do not feel respect and love.
The study about first-time parents' experience of their relationship showed that the majority were satisfied with their relationship in general when their child was 6 months old (Ahlborg et al., 2005). The majority of parents had become discontented with the sexual component of the relationship however, when their newborn child was 6 months (Ahlborg et al., 2005). The reason for this was tiredness, reported by both mothers and fathers. This study reports on a follow-up of the sensual and sexual contentment in these couples 4 years after the birth of their first baby to examine how factors at 6 months postpartum are associated with long-term outcome. Good social...
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