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Article Excerpt
WE LOOKED FOR OTHER candidates, honest we did. How about Lance Bass of *NSync, who wanted to play cosmonaut? He spent a week training at NASA in Houston, but when his backers couldn't come up with $20 million, he was out O*Sync with the Russians. For saying that the national football champ would be UT, we could have picked ourselves because the Longhorns were p.u. against OU and a wreck against Tech. The Dallas Cowboys couldn't pass the smell test either, and there was another big stink about the firing of Aggie football coach R. C. Slocum. But none of these made the final cut. Who did? Presenting the runner-up for Bum Steer of the Year: dem Dems, dem dumb Dems, who dem-inished the Democratic party, by losing every statewide race. Foremost among them was Tony Sanchez, who spent $70 million of his own dough only to lose to Governor Rick Perry by some 800,000 votes. In an ordinary year that loss might have meant a Bum Steer win. But this year, even Sanchez couldn't match the inimitable Anna Nicole Smith., whose cable television series was, from episode one, the most compellingly, awful show ever. Millions of viewers tuned in to watch the former Playmate try on a Bo-Peep costume, chase her puppy, dog on all fours across the living room floor, and cuddle the urn full of her late husband's ashes. (And those were the, G-rated moments.) So here's to you, Anna Nicole, our first three-time winner of Bum Steer of the Year. Somehow it doesn't sound right to say that the third time is a charm.
The Bull Just Smiled and Declined to Press Charges
Joey Allen Long, of Paris, was charged in Mount Pleasant with the theft of $4,600 worth of bull semen.
We Can Only Imagine What the Words "Bob Torricelli" Did to Him
Thomas Ray Mitchell, of Texas City, was convicted of aggravated assault for shooting his girlfriend because, he told the police, he thought she was about to say two words that upset him: "New Jersey."
Your Money or Your Ranch-Style Recipe
Irma Ortiz and Irene Hinojosa were arrested for aggravated robbery because they entered the La Feria home of Ortiz's ex-boyfriend, held him down on the floor, and before taking his money, hit him over the head with a can of beans.
Man Cannot Live By Peanuts Alone
After Southwest Airlines announced that it would charge obese customers for two seats, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals put up billboards showing a photo of a man's big hairy belly hanging over his jeans along with the caption "Don't pay for two seats. Go vegetarian."
We'd Like To Initiate A Dialogue And Share Our Feelings About This: You Suck
An article on the Web site of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review in Pennsylvania, discussing the February issue of Oprah Winfrey's magazine O, said of the periodical, "Jammed with self-esteem exercises, it is so over-the-top touchy-feely, it's probably against the law in states like Texas."
Read My Dips: No New Tostadas
State representative Kino Flores, of Mission, has filed a resolution to make chips and salsa the official snack of Texas.
Soon to Be Known As the Fightin' Racs
Residents of Frisco, both black and white, protested the changing of the high school's team name from the Fightin' Coons to the Fightin' Raccoons.
Call Again in Five To Ten Years
Humberto Perez participated in a San Antonio radio station's call-in program titled "What Is Your Biggest Lie?" and detailed a scheme to arrange for a friend to steal his pickup truck so that he could collect payments from his insurance company and car-alarm manufacturer--only to be arrested for mail fraud by an FBI agent who had tuned in to the show, suspected that the story was true, and tracked down the caller's identity.
Now Is the Time for All Good Men to Come to the Aid Of the Other Party
McLennan County court-at-law judge David Hodges, of Waco, was barred by the Texas Supreme Court from seeking reelection as the Democratic party nominee because he had voted in the Republican primary.
Aggies Lose By 4; Critics Blame R. C. Slocum
After complaints that as many as eight Texas A&M students were sharing the same house, the Bryan City Council voted to limit the number of unrelated people in one house to four.
What's The Problem? It Is Unusual
Anita Perry (right), the wife of Governor Rick Perry, applied for a hardship driver's license for her daughter, Sydney, age fifteen, and checked a box indicating that, despite Perry's $115,345 annual salary, she was making the request because of "unusual economic hardship."
Where's Joseph McCarthy When You Really Need Him?
Dana Cloud, an associate professor of communication studies at the University of Texas at Austin, wrote the school's paper, The Daily Texan, to laud a California court's decision permitting the deletion of the words "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance. She then proposed, for "godless radicals" such as herself, a new pledge that promises allegiance to "ordinary people," including "the laid-off Enron workers," "the sweatshop workers from New York to Indonesia, who labor not under God but under the heel of multinational corporations," and "the people of Iraq, Palestine, and Afghanistan."
So Far, He's Covered Most of North Dallas
John Winter Smith, of Dallas, has been a customer at 3,344...
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