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Reverend me!

Article Excerpt
As a life-long Atheist, it occurred to me recently that maybe I was missing out on something. Everyone else had something to do Sunday mornings. All I had was sleeping late, hot sex, smooth jazz, and the Sunday paper. Maybe I needed more--I don't know, divinity--in my life. So, two minutes and a couple of mouse clicks later, I became an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church (www.ulc.org) of Modesto, California.

Their Web-site warns, "Silly submissions such as animals, plants, and cars are not recorded into the Church's database." So I immediately ordain my cat, Ficus, and Buick Skylark.

My first order of business is to ensure that joining the clergy did not incite in me a desire to sodomize young boys. I scan myself for pedophilic urges. Nope, I still detest the little punks.

My second task is to decide whether to order the ULC's "Ministry in a Box" for $129. This puppy is crammed with all sorts of religious doodads: holy land incense, a Doctor of Divinity degree, a sainthood canonization document, minister's ID card, ULC badge, church literature, bylaws and regulations. Although it is tempting to be canonized Saint Stephen, I remember Billy Joel's wise counsel about laughing sinners and crying saints and decide to screw the paperwork. My ministry will be light on documentation.

Before you ask what good deeds I have done to merit this spiritual elevation, consider some of the things I have not done: unlike Pope Gregory IX, I never started a Spanish Inquisition; unlike Pope Urban VIII, I never imprisoned Galileo for saying the earth revolves around the sun. I never burned anyone at the stake or started a Crusade. Seems to me these Popes set the bar for holiness pretty low.

Eager to put my theological credentials to use, I read my ordination message. It says, "Every rite is granted to you by...

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