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Article Excerpt
TO ALL YOU FOLKS out there who were competing for Bum Steer of the Year: Didn't you get the memo? The one that said that the Bum Steer of the Year is supposed to be funny. You know, "funny," as in "causing laughter." Not "weird," like the Astros making it to the World Series for the first time in 44 years of existence and then failing to win a single game. Not "peculiar," like the price of gasoline. Not"clownish," like the Texas Legislature's three failures on school finance. Not"curious," like the president's approval ratings and Karl Rove's grand-jury appearances. Not"bizarre," like Tom DeLay's ethics. Not"dubious," like Michael Irvin's excuse that the crack pipe cops found in his car belonged to a friend. Not"mocking," like the constant speculation about whether Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were splitting up (the answer was yes). Isn't there somebody out there who was supremely funny? Someone who courted disaster? Someone who set the benchmark for failure in 2005? Oyez there is. Congratulations to Harriet Miers, who won no friends and impressed no people before withdrawing as a nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court without even getting a hearing. No up or down vote necessary, no filibusters allowed. You're our Bum Steer of the Year.
JUST LIKE HE RAN FOR PRESIDENT
After his powerboat, The Rough Rider, sped through a 5-knot zone at a speed of 30 knots, Ross Perot was fined $300 in Bermuda Magistrates' Court for operating "without reasonable consideration."
SHE ONLY HAD ONE CLIENT ANYWAY
Prior to her withdrawal as a nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court, Harriet Miers admitted in a response to questions from the Senate judiciary committee that her license to practice law in Washington, D.C., had been suspended for failure to payher D.C.bar association dues.
TRY THIS ONE: WHO'S BURIED IN GRANT'S TOMB?
Tom Craddick, the Speaker of the Texas House, told a seventh-grade history class in Austin that there are 454 U.S. representatives (there are 435) and 60 U.S. senators (there are 100).
WHAT WOULD JESUS DRINK?
The on-campus Starbucks at Baylor University removed coffee cups preprinted with notable quotes from the gay author Armistead Maupin.
THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT DESPERATE HOUSE WHITES
ABC canceled plans to air the summer series Welcome to the Neighborhood, a reality show set in Austin's Circle C Ranch subdivision, after fair-housing groups objected to the show's premise, which was to allow white families to decide which of seven "diverse" families (black, Hispanic, Asian, gay) should win a free house in the neighborhood.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN STUPID, PART 845
Heath Boutte and David Martin pleaded guilty to charges that they had attempted to steal items from cars being held in the Houston Police Department's impound lot.
AS SOON AS I'M DONE USING IT ON MY FOOT
At a Fort Worth concert, Bright Eyes lead singer Conor Oberst told the audience, "I don't know if you know this, but I hate your [expletive] state. I'd put a [expletive] gun to my head before I'd live in your state."
UNLIKE HER HUSBAND, THEY AREN'T DISPOSABLE
Denying rumors that her breasts were fake, Jessica Simpson told reporters, "Mine are definitely real. At school, my boobs were bigger than all my friends', and I was afraid to show them. Now, I feel they make my outfits look better. They're like an accessory."
ACCESSORIES NOT INCLUDED
Avenue, a clothing retailer for plus-size women, began merchandising Jessica Simpson Denim.
EASILY RAISED BY SELLING ONE SHARE OF ENRON STOCK
Web surfers who used Google, Yahoo, and other search engines to find links to "Enron" and "Ken Lay" were directed to kenlayinfo.com, a sponsored site on which Lay assails the federal Enron task force and otherwise defends himself, at a cost to Lay of between 5 and 12 cents per visitor.
HE ALWAYS SAID HE WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD IN LOUISIANA
A corpse strapped to a gurney fell from a truck onto a South Dallas highway while en route to a Louisiana funeral home.
AND, APPARENTLY, TO USE EVERY BATHROOM
Since 1997, Rafael Antonio Lozano, of Houston, who now goes by "Winter," has visited 4,958 coffee shops in North America and more than 200 in places as far away as Japan, in his quest to get a caffeinated drink at every Starbucks-owned store in the world.
STARTING WITH THE SALARY OF THE REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE TWENTY-SECOND CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT
Tom DeLay published an editorial in the Washington Times arguing that funds to pay for the recovery efforts for hurricanes Katrina and Rita could be raised by cutting billions of dollars in wasteful spending from the federal budget.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN STUPID, PART 846
Thieves broke into the just-built house of Dallas police chief David Kunkle and stole the oven and the microwave.
THE EYES OF SAN MARCOS ARE UPON YOU
Norwegian commentators expressed shock when President and Mrs. Bush flashed hook 'em signs to the University of Texas Longhorn Band during Bush's inaugural parade, because they interpreted the...
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