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...and have women, and no woman will ever love you for who you are, no matter how nice guy you happen to be. You must first have A, B, and C ... regardless of the fact that A, B, and C (insert social status, money, etc.) have nothing at all to do with what a person is actually like. Anonymous Man (3)
A common refrain among men is the observation that women do not like (or more appropriately, do not want to date) nice guys. Popular cultural texts that range from Kuriansky's (1996) The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating to Internet articles such as Overthelimit.com's "The Myth of the Nice Guy" (Guy in a Trenchcoat, 2002) suggest that women claim they want a "nice guy" because they believe that that is what is expected of them when, in reality, they want the so-called "challenge" that comes with dating a not-so-nice guy. Scholarly texts seem to echo this general claim, as does the opinion of the anonymous man.
The gentle, compassionate man who reads magazine surveys indicating that his qualities are the very ones that most women prefer in a mate may be the same man who is repeatedly turned down by women who seek the company of more atavistic males ... Women go for heroes while saying they want vulnerability and later try to persuade their partners to become more sensitive and vulnerable, rather than initially pursuing sensitive and vulnerable men (Desrochers, 1995, p. 376).
However, when women are asked about the subject, they almost always claim to desire a nice guy ... so long as he is not too nice (Gray, 1997). What accounts for these contradictions? Are women both attracted to and repelled by nice guys? In short, why or why not date a nice guy?
Scholarly researchers who have attempted to shed light on the nice guy dilemma based their conclusions on one of three theoretical frameworks--evolutionary theory, sexual strategies theory, and social role theory. All three perspectives have produced somewhat consistent results with regard to mating preferences, however they fall short of accounting for factors critical to the nice guy phenomenon as it is articulated in popular culture. For instance, evolutionary theory assumes that young dating individuals are in a perpetual "ensure reproductive success" mode (i.e., to ensure the production of healthy offspring and the acquisition of resources to invest in those offspring; Schmitt, Couden, & Baker, 2001). However, according to anecdotal accounts, young women seem to be more interested in unsuccessful reproduction when in "casual dating" and "nonmarital, committed dating" modes (Beland, 2003; Moore & Gould, 2001).
Sexual strategies theory moderates the preoccupation with reproductive success by placing this tendency of dating individuals in a temporal context. That is, according to this theory, women develop short-term dating strategies such as using that temporal context to assess the long-term potential of a current partner (Buss & Schmitt, 1993). Unfortunately, this perspective does not explain the anecdotal reality that nice guys seem to be chosen often for transitional dating and nothing more even though they demonstrate long-term mate potential (i.e., being kind and generous with their time and money; Wills, 2000). Social roles theory assumes that individuals are socialized to conform to stereotypic dating/mating expectations such as women's preference for men with maximum earning potential for long-term unions and men's preference for physically attractive women for short-term unions (Doosje, Rojahn, & Fischer, 1999). The problem with social roles theory is that it assumes traditional dating/mating expectations (i.e., women are predisposed to wanting long-term relationships) and negates the more contemporary dating/mating orientations available to women, which range from purely sexual one-night stands (often spent in the company of "jerks") to completely asexual companion dating for which nice guys seem anecdotally to be destined (Williams, 1999).
The purpose of this study was to investigate why women report a desire to date nice guys but prefer to date "jerks." Specifically, young women's dating choices based on their reasons for dating in general and the attractive/unattractive traits that they perceive that a man possesses were explored. This issue was approached inductively and phenomenogically rather than deductively and theoretically. That is, the likelihood of dating a nice guy or a "jerk" was treated as an inferred event because it is related to a set of actions/interactions/perceptions (Strauss & Corbin, 1990). Thus, emphasis was placed on both popular accounts and academic explanations and conceptualizations of the nice guy phenomenon in order to de-mystify it, rather than rely on theoretical frameworks that do not seem to "get at" the problem adequately.
A first step toward de-mystifying the nice guy phenomenon is to understand the role of dating within the development of the romantic interpersonal relationship process. In Venus and Mars on a Date, Gray (1997) discussed dating in terms of a five-step strategy that moves romantic partners toward more committed relationships. He indicated that dating is a means of determining whether potential romantic partners can and will meet each other's long-term relationship needs. Knapp's (1984) relationship stages/phases approach provides an interpersonal communication foundation for Gray's popular interpretation of dating and relationship development without the "long-term" stipulation. Knapp's model describes relationships in terms of three phases (coming together, maintenance, and coming apart) in which dating plays a significant role during initiation, experimentation, and intensification--the coming together stages in which the participants meet, exchange information about themselves, spend time together, and become a couple (Alder & Rodman, 2003). Baxter and Bullis (1986) built upon Knapp's "coming together-coming apart" model by investigating turning points--events that are related to positive and negative changes in relationships. Among other things, respondents in their investigation identified the first meeting and the first date (i.e., the first time the respondents regarded themselves as going on a boy-girl date) as types of "get to know you time" events with positive relationship consequences (Baxter & Bullis, 1986).
Finally, the significance of a successful first date to relationship escalation is highlighted when first date scripts are taken into account. Laner and Ventrone (2000) found that first date scripts among college aged individuals are well known to both sexes and highly predictable, and they speculated that adherence to formulaic scripts influences the long-term development potential of relationships. In short, dating is a necessary component of courtship, a requisite component of romantic relationship escalation, and behaviors specific to the first date must be enacted appropriately to get the whole ball rolling. As such, the interactive dynamic that occurs during early acquaintanceship (the time between the first meeting and just beyond the first date) seems to be significant when making predictions about relationship trajectories. Therefore, in order to respond to the central question of the present study, it made sense to focus on young women's perceptions of the nice guy and the "jerk" guy within the first meeting and first dating contexts.
A second step toward de-mystifying the nice guy phenomenon is operationalizing the "nice guy" and the "jerk guy" constructs. Multiple versions of the "nice guy" construct appear in scholarly research. For example, when asked to describe the stereotypic nice guy in a study by Herold and Milhausen (1999), female respondents perceived them as either losers (men who were needy, weak, predictable, boring, inexperienced, lacking confidence, and unattractive) or good guys (men who were polite and willing to wait for sex and who possessed a good personality, high standards, and morals). Urbaniak and Kilmann (2003) constructed their hypothetical "Nice Todd" as kind, attentive, and emotionally expressive--a man who is in touch with his feelings, doesn't go for that "macho stuff," and puts his partner's pleasures first in the bedroom. Instead of designing a prototypical nice guy, Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, and West (1995) manipulated prosocial and dominant qualities to determine which combination of traits was most desired by women for long-term relationships. They conceptualized the "nice guy" as altruistic (willing to concede to a partner's interests), agreeable (considerate, cooperative, generous, kind, and sympathetic), and nondominant (introverted, quiet, reserved, timid, and untalkative). In the present study the "nice guy" was presented as a man whom young women should want to date. Therefore, the "nice guy" was operationalized as a man who is easily recognized by young women as a "good guy" who is just a little "too nice"--a man who could be perceived as having a good personality and being agreeable, eager to please, and willing to wait for sex.
Conceptualizations of the "jerk guy" are as varied as were those for the "nice guy" in academic texts. In one study, when asked to describe the stereotypic not-so-nice/jerk guy, female respondents noted the rebel who was described as mysterious, daring, arrogant, and dangerous; the macho man who was described as strong and confident; the fun guy who was described as adventurous, spontaneous, and outgoing; and the sexy guy who was described as...
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