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Article Excerpt
How do we explain a year like 2004?
George W. Bush had more people vote against him, some 57 million, than any previous candidate for president ever--and won. The Astros, just a win away from their first World Series, handed the ball to one of the greatest pitchers ever--and Roger Clemens lost. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes you finish fourth, which was Texas's ranking in a survey of the meanest places for the homeless. Was that behind Fallujah, Baghdad, and Mosul? [paragraph] It was a great year for weird research. Does the world need a mild habanero pepper? An Aggie researcher in Weslaco evidently thought so. He developed one, only to be deluged with calls from Mexico asking, "[??]Esta loco?" Another Aggie scientist is trying to develop a tortilla that will stay fresh for four years. Si, muy loco. And in case you were wondering where to find the most tornado-prone spot in Texas, VorTek LLC, of Huntsville, Alabama, calculated it as latitude 35 degrees, 21 minutes north, longitude ... oh, forget it. Suffice it to say it's right where a tornado ought to be: next to Oklahoma. [paragraph] What will really blow you away are our contenders for Bum Steer of the Year--ten of them, to be exact. Our winner is a blond ditz with a reality show, but--surprise!--it's not Anna Nicole Smith. See page 95.
Better close off the balcony too
Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston, requested that a corridor in her Washington, D.C., office building be closed off for eight hours so that she could meet privately with singer Michael Jackson.
4-6 minutes to high cholesterol
An eighteen-wheeler overturned on Houston's Loop 610, spilling 30,000 pounds of eggs onto the freeway.
THEY WERE CAUGHT IN THE MISSION-ARY POSITION
Kristine Nissel and Matthew Hotard, both active-duty soldiers at Fort Sam Houston, in San Antonio, were arrested and charged with public lewdness after a security officer found them having sex at the Alamo.
Why not start at the top?
Waiting for a live broadcast to begin but unaware that her microphone had been turned on, Blandina Cardenas, the new president of the University of Texas--Pan American, in Edinburg, surprised listeners, including the school's provost, by saying to UT regents, "I think we need a new provost."
That's because he didn't have a tattoo of his insurance card
For seven days, employees of Wilford Hall Medical Center, at Lackland Air Force Base, were unable to identify a young man who was injured in a ear accident, even though his last name was tattooed in large letters across his stomach.
Darlin', your next 15,600 flights to palm beach are on me!
Neiman Marcus's 2004 Christmas catalog included a lifetime pass on American Airlines for only $3 million.
That explains why his references sounded like they were talking through pantyhose
A man who robbed a Houston Whataburger was promptly arrested because he accidentally dropped a job application he had filled out for the fast-food eatery, complete with his name and address.
We need it to mean "we shoot first. You ask questions later"
Writing in Rolling Stone about the 2004 presidential campaign, journalist Hunter S. Thompson penned this description of Texas's largest city: "Houston is a cruel and crazy town on a filthy river in East Texas with no zoning laws and a culture of sex, money and violence. Iris a shabby, sprawling metropolis ruled by brazen women, crooked cops and superrich pansexual cowboys who live by the code of the West--which can mean just about anything you need it to mean, in a pinch."
Remember Gobiad!
During the filming of The Alamo in Austin, a group of actors including Billy Bob Thornton, who played Davy Crockett, and Kevin Page, who played Micajah Autry, got drunk and acquired tattoos as mementos, but Page later discovered that his tattoo actually read "Rememler the Alamo."
Dead giveaway: Chuck doesn't dot his i's with little hearts
A Beaumont woman was indicted for using fake checks after she stole the identity of a Houston man, Chuck Rosenthal, who happens to be the Harris County district attorney.
Five years for assaulting the employee, five more for desecrating the cheeseburgers
Waynetta Nolan, of Houston, was sentenced to ten years in prison for striking a McDonald's employee with...
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