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Article Excerpt
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"IT'S OKAY TO LOOK," SUGGESTS THE VOICE-OVER IN the Match.com television commercial. Even at the beginning of the Internet dating rage in 2002, singles sites accounted for the Internet's largest consumer-spending category. (1) The digital matchmaking industry grossed $650 million in 2006. (2) With over 800 matchmaking sites to choose from, there is a site for just about everyone: goodgenes.com helps ivy leaguers find their mates; sugardaddie.com links wealthy men to young women; riders2love.com brings bikers together; gothicmatch.com aids The Dark Ones in finding a mate; positivelove.com facilitates dating among those with sexually transmitted diseases, and philanderers.com plays host to extramarital affairs. Such variety explains why it is estimated that 40% of the 100 million U.S. singles have dated online. (3) With such spending and popularity, it is easy to assume that matchmaking services are legitimate when they claim that they can find love for almost everyone.
In an age where we can shop, take classes, pay bills, and even order pizza over the web, finding love online doesn't really seem all that implausible. But what is it about online sites that attract so many American singles? Anonymity is one reason. If rejection happens online, no one knows. Perhaps the freedom to experiment lures many in. It is possible to be a conservative soccer/hockey Mom on Match.com, a pink-haired rock star on eHarmony.com, and a sex-goddess on Yahoo Personals all at the same time. Others may be attracted by the fact that matchmaking allows them to disclose only what they choose about themselves. Whether it is a history of bankruptcy, divorce, or drugs, no one needs to know. Regardless of the reason for the popularity of the matchmaking sites, their actual effectiveness has yet to be determined.
Part of playing a productive role in society is having healthy relationships--especially intimate ones. Understanding how intimate relationships are formed is of central importance in our lives. (4) The introduction of Internet matchmaking has allowed us to communicate more readily and with less hesitation. Though technology may make matchmaking more entertaining, some sites claim that they also make the process of selecting a match more accurate. eHarmony is the leading website that claims their techniques are scientifically based, and the method is backed by Neil Clark Warren, a bona fide doctoral psychologist.
Intimate Relationships: The Basics
Intimate relationships are an integrated part of everyday life. As Roland Miller, Daniel Perlman, and Sharon Brehm noted in their important 2007 book Intimate Relationships, "It is a source of great joy when things go well, but cause of great sorrow when they go poorly." (5) Not all relationships, however, are predicated on intimacy. They can range from prostitution, escort services, and from dating services to arranged and non-arranged monogamous marriages. Some are based solely on sex, some am based on class status and economics, some on romantic love, and some on all three. It is relationships based on intimacy that serve as the purpose and promise of large-scale, technology-based matchmaking services.
Thus, it is important to address the nature of intimacy. Miller, Perlman, and Brehm describe six specific characteristics of intimate relationships: knowledge, caring, interdependence, mutuality, trust, and commitment. (6) Knowledge in intimate relationships is different from that of casual relationships in that those people with intimate relationships usually have confidential knowledge about one another. Confidential knowledge increases the care one partner feels for another, which indirectly increases intimacy. Interdependence is defined as the effect of what one says or does on the other pamper. The ways in which the two individuals exert mutual influence is multifaceted. Mutuality refers to the degree to which a partner thinks of their relationship as "we" versus "me." The transition from "I" to "us" often signals the subtle, but significant moment in a developing relationship. (7) The opinions and actions of partners are taken more seriously than others in our life because of the intimacy we share. Trust is a central aspect to intimate relationships because it is the element "that makes these close ties believable." (8) We trust and believe that our partners will not do undue harm to us and that they will treat us with the utmost respect. Trust seems to be the "glue" of intimacy. Commitment seems closely linked to trust. Partner invest time, money, and personal energy into the relationship, and they expect their partner to reciprocate.
The Importance of Intimacy
Miller, Perlman, and Brehm specify that the need to belong encompasses "regular contact with those with whom one feels connected." (9) The need to belong is such a powerful part of the drive to form relationships that if not satisfied, it can have detrimental effects on both our physical and mental health. Some of the physical effects include higher blood pressure and death at a younger age, and consequences such as depression. Miller et al. also suggest that the need for intimacy may have evolutionary roots in the harsh and threatening environment that we once...
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