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Article Excerpt
"Marriage is not only time: it is also, paradoxically, the denial of time. For forty years I saw myself through John's eyes. I did not age."

--Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

A short time after Joan Didion's husband dropped dead at dinnertime, she glanced in the mirror and, for the first time, saw an old lady. I had a similar experience after my husband's death from brain cancer early last year. Instead of the pert 30-year-old I imagined myself to be (my age when I met my husband), I saw the reflection of a stricken hag.

I wanted my baby back, bad. But, failing that, I realized that I really liked being married and fancied taking another go at it. Back then, I was in no shape to make any moves. I had to wait for the random crying jags to die out, for one thing. Those are never attractive on a first date.

After a change of several seasons, I decided that it was time to get my hunting gun out of the back of the closet and go a-scoutin' for a new mate. Where to begin? I am almost 50 years old and haven't dated for 2 decades. Let's face it. I look like what I am: a middle-aged mom and librarian, not a hot Vegas babe.

In his excellent book about dating, Intimate Connections (Penguin Group, 1985, ISBN-13: 9780451148452), psychologist David D. Burns writes, "The first thing to do if you want to date more is to make yourself look terrific." But wait, I hear my feminist side objecting: Shouldn't men appreciate me for my inner self? Why should I have to play this game?

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"Paradoxically, being a little narcissistic can actually be a way of caring about others," Burns writes, "because you're thinking about what appeals to them rather than selfishly and rigidly...

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